January 2012
23 posts
Tough Time GYm
Lunges and squats in the rain (well, its sprinkling …) , yea ! I am woman, hear me roar!!
4 sets of 10 squats 4 sets of 10 squats with bar 3 sets Lunges with bar 3 sets of 10 Good mornings Skipped a bit and little bit of sit ups.
I shall do proper sets for them next time
Tough Titties Gym
Dips
2 sets of 10 x Overhead press 3kg bar
15 Flapping wings (????) left & right
20 Push ups
And Ray , Phat & I declined Habibs *proud
Feeling oddly out of place with no goals. I wish I knew what I could do… I need a hero !
First convo & last convo of 2012
Me: Hello! How’s 2012 for you so far?
Anth: Good u? Wish I could do with more sleep, tho too many things to do.
Me: What do u have to do ? I had nightmares about my dad and it just ruined me so I literally disowned my dad. I’ve had the best sleeps the past two nights… Hopefully thats all I had to do to get rid of them.
Anth: LOL Aww poor u.. jealous abt the sleep tho! Yeh just been working, reading, eating, gym, bike riding but wanting to get a tan. U?
Me: that’s all u have to say about that , poor me. I hope u get ur tan.
I’m not gonna try to fit you in my life anymore. I should’ve stopped ages ago but it was easier just to keep u there at the time. I believe you hate seeing me so in love. - sucked in! I’m happy , I have an awesome smart handsome extremely passionate caring partner someone you thought I would never find. Suck it! I’m not gonna try anymore.
5 years and counting.
Finally stopped crying. Another year of living with his mistake. Can’t ever be corrected. Can never be understood. I dreamt he came back and spoke to us about his wedding, showed us pictures. I don’t know why. I sat there bitterly crying ripping each photo and he didn’t hold me back. Face full of regret but I knew it was only for show. I dreamt Michelle found his wife’s blog and that they’ve been in contact , she knew about the wedding before I did and she was trying to get answers from her. Below a portrait of him and another woman Michelle commented “he’s my dad” and she replied “but I love him.” I don’t fucking care I don’t fucking care. I don’t care if you kill yourself if he leaves you. I am forever dead inside and this is all I have year after year of living in this reality nightmare. To be the “strong” one for my mum. Another year of trying to talk sense into her. Last night she lost the plot again. All the time I have to remind mum that he pays for the petrol every week, or gives her money not because he loves her or wants to come back to us. It’s because everything that has happened is all his fault. He can’t correct it and so this is what he’ll do to make himself feel like a “GOOD MAN” again. I hate him so much but there’s nothing I can do about it. What’s the use of yelling and telling him I’m still affected? There’s nothing he can do but feel sorry for me. I am so affected.
